March Update

Hello!

     Now that it's April 2nd, I can post my March update. I would've posted it yesterday, but I always try to avoid posting/reading anything on April 1st because truth doesn't exist on that day. I've already announced this via Facebook, but for those of you who don't know...

I'm moving back to BG!

     After a lot of debating, deliberation, and ultimately, a big push from family and friends, I signed a lease for an apartment with my wonderful friend Tricia. I'll be moving back the second week of May. Along with moving, I'll also be taking summer classes. The first half of the summer I'll be taking one class and the second half of the summer I'll be taking two (provided none of them get cancelled due to low enrollment.) The goal is to get my feet wet and prepare myself to hopefully return in full come fall.

     Thank you all for your silent cheers. I'd like to cheer along, but my brain is still a battlefield. Don't get me wrong, part of me is excited. I mean decorating a new place and the idea of living around my friends again certainly makes me happy, but I'm honestly terrified. I can't help but imagine myself moving my things in and then becoming a blubbering mess of anxiety. I'm so afraid that I won't be able to do it and I'll end up dropping my classes, moving home, and failing again. I know I'm supposed to remain positive. I know that if I think negative things then negative things will happen. My brain just doesn't always do what I want it to. I've been praying every night that God will guide me through this major transition. I'm doing my best to fully trust Him and believe that He will make this happen, but it's a daily struggle to fight away the negative thoughts.

     I know this post is short, but besides what I've already written, not a lot has happened in the past month. For the next 45 days as I pick out pillows and plates, I'll be fighting to remain positive. I would love any prayers from you that I can get as I get ready to take this new journey and learn how to live away from home again. Thank you all for your continued love and support!

God Bless,
Kelly

February Update

Hello again!

     I hope you're all staying as warm as possible! As I promised, here is my next update. This month has been seemingly normal. I've had both ups and downs. I managed to drive all the way to BG once with my dad in the car, and FINALLY drove by myself one day for about 20 minutes. (I haven't driven since that day, partially due to anxiety and partially due to the weather.) I hope that once spring arrives I'll be able to start driving more, so please pray that I have the courage to get out more. So that's my February positive progress!

     I've also been experiencing several lows, mainly pertaining to the future. I'm coming to BG to apartment hunt soon in hopes of being back for next school year. *fingers crossed* My plan is to hopefully go back this summer to take a summer class and try and get used to the environment again, that way I'm more adjusted before fall. Everyone keeps telling me I can do it and I've been making a lot of progress, but I'm really, really, really uneasy about all of it. There isn't a confident bone in my body. I feel like I might make it a week before I break down and come back home.

     I try to imagine myself getting better, but I can't. It's like I've come so far and only have one more wall to climb over, but that wall is the highest structure I've ever seen and honestly, I'm not a very good climber. I don't want to give up my life and spend it on the couch, but it's hard to imagine anything else. I'm also struggling to figure out if I'm truly in the right major. I've never dreamed of doing anything else, but I'm tangled up in thoughts that I'm no longer good enough since I've been away so long. I also wonder if conducting a choir is something I can handle, since my performance anxiety has always been an issue. I keep reminding myself that if it's meant to be, God will make it happen.

     My goal is to prove myself wrong. I want to fight against my brain and show the world that I can be a functioning human being again. Whatever God wants me to do, I want to do it. I want to work hard and climb over that wall. I just need to find the courage.

     Now then, I want to apologize to all of you for the person that Satan has turned me into through all of this. He has taken my heart and shattered it. He has turned me into a negative, jealous person with zero self-esteem. He used this illness to completely drain me of my self-worth. Satan sat me down, tied me up, and forced me to watch all of my friends live out the dreams I had in my heart. He constantly whispered, "Look at them all.. watch them succeeding while you're trapped here, forever stuck inside your own head. You're filthy and worthless." Beginning back last spring I became full of envy for my friends, hating my situation and wishing my life could look more like theirs. Satan told me it's my own fault for this happening, that I deserved this illness and all it has taken from me. It's been hard for me to realize that God's plan for me is different than what I had hoped for, and to recognize that this isn't my fault. With that all being said, I'm now trying to replace all of that damage with Christ's promises to me, although it's a long, tough road and I'm longing for a Christian community. I'm striving to become the positive person I used to be, stop complaining, and mend all of the friendships Satan has broken. I'm a work in progress.

                                                                                     I'm sorry.

     As always, thank you for the continued prayers, love, kind words, and general support. Y'all are a lovely bunch of folks.

God bless,
Kelly

Decembuary Update

Hello again!

     I whole-heartedly apologize for not writing an update the past two months. I wish I had an excuse for not writing, but I don't have one. I promise I won't forget again.

I'll do a quick wrap-up of what's been going on the past month and a half and then get on to where I'm at now.

December:

     I'm Ron. That's all I'm going to say about that.

January:
     Holiday stress and depression are now gone, which is nice. I had a much needed, wonderful evening with my closest camp friends a few weeks ago. Since then, I've gotten to visit BG two weekends in a row! Both times I stayed the weekend without my dad in BG as a safety net, which sounds embarrassing but is actually a really big step.

     I can't say I did it by myself though, I have a group of wonderful friends that always let me crash in their apartment and set aside time to hang out with me. They feed me, drive me around, make me laugh, heck, they even invite me to play games with their own families. To those of you reading this, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I know to you it may seem like just an ordinary weekend, but to me it's a lot more than that. It's a reminder that there are people that aren't giving up on me, people who really care about me and want to see me come back. Thank you for everything. From playing card games to watching movies, letting me eat your food to letting me catch a ride around town, and even just simply letting me talk things out. This includes those of you who greet me on Sundays, even if we only talk for a couple minutes. To each and every one of you, I owe you more than you'll ever know.

      Now then, to the present.

      I'm angry. For a variety of reasons. First of all, everytime I visit BG I have to come home. Now obviously this is the logical ending to a weekend trip. But every ride home is a bitter reminder that I'm still failing. Sure I can handle being with my friends, but I still can't handle living away from home, going to classes, or anything in the realm of adulthood. It's almost like the weekend visits are just teasers that end up slapping me in the face afterwards. I'm angry that my brain is still messed up. It frustrates me that I still have all of these spells of gut wrenching anxiety that come on for no reason whatsoever. I'm annoyed that I can't live life like an ordinary human. I'm irritated that the doctors can't fix my brain. Most of all, I'm furious that this.. thing.. has taken away ten months of my life. Ten. Entire. Months.

      Now then, I know deep down that this is all a part of God's plan for me. Through all of this turmoil and pain, I continue to praise God for all that He continues to do for me and, of course, for His unfailing love. I trust that one day He plans to use this period of my life for His own good. I just wish my relationship with Him wasn't so dry. These past ten months have had me feeling like I'm grasping for straws. I contine to read my Bible and pray daily, as well as do an evening devotional. I'm constantly reminding myself that He's still there, even though it doesn't seem like it. I pray that one day this will all make sense.

     Right now I'm trying to make decisions concerning the summer. For a while I had hoped that I would be able to return to BG and get a job or take summer courses, but right now that doesn't look like a logical decision. I'm looking at a few different summer camps around the area. My heart has always been taken by camp, but if I'm not in a better place I don't know if I could handle that either. I really don't want to spend another summer sitting at home doing nothing, but right now everything is up in the air.

     In the mean time, I've gotten a few hobbies to entertain myself with for the next few months. I finally own a keyboard, so I'll be sitting in my room pounding notes into my face in hopes of keeping some sort of tonal center in my brain. (One of my many fears is going back to school and being worse than I was when I first began.) I also bought myself a new ukulele and am attempting to teach myself as many songs as possible. Finally, I started a relationship with the treadmill. It's a love/hate thing, but we're working on it.

     All in all, I'm still here. I hope to make as many trips to BG as possible, because there's currently nothing greater than seeing my friends. I just want to get better. I will do anything it takes to get back into the world and acting like an ordinary human being. I'm not sure what the likelihood of getting better actually is, but I'm ready to fight. I don't want this to be my life forever. I want to be able to live again. Whatever it takes, I'll do it.

     As always, thank you for the continued prayers, love, kind words, and general support. Y'all are a lovely bunch of folks.

God bless,
Kelly