I hope you're all staying as warm as possible! As I promised, here is my next update. This month has been seemingly normal. I've had both ups and downs. I managed to drive all the way to BG once with my dad in the car, and FINALLY drove by myself one day for about 20 minutes. (I haven't driven since that day, partially due to anxiety and partially due to the weather.) I hope that once spring arrives I'll be able to start driving more, so please pray that I have the courage to get out more. So that's my February positive progress!
I've also been experiencing several lows, mainly pertaining to the future. I'm coming to BG to apartment hunt soon in hopes of being back for next school year. *fingers crossed* My plan is to hopefully go back this summer to take a summer class and try and get used to the environment again, that way I'm more adjusted before fall. Everyone keeps telling me I can do it and I've been making a lot of progress, but I'm really, really, really uneasy about all of it. There isn't a confident bone in my body. I feel like I might make it a week before I break down and come back home.
I try to imagine myself getting better, but I can't. It's like I've come so far and only have one more wall to climb over, but that wall is the highest structure I've ever seen and honestly, I'm not a very good climber. I don't want to give up my life and spend it on the couch, but it's hard to imagine anything else. I'm also struggling to figure out if I'm truly in the right major. I've never dreamed of doing anything else, but I'm tangled up in thoughts that I'm no longer good enough since I've been away so long. I also wonder if conducting a choir is something I can handle, since my performance anxiety has always been an issue. I keep reminding myself that if it's meant to be, God will make it happen.
My goal is to prove myself wrong. I want to fight against my brain and show the world that I can be a functioning human being again. Whatever God wants me to do, I want to do it. I want to work hard and climb over that wall. I just need to find the courage.
Now then, I want to apologize to all of you for the person that Satan has turned me into through all of this. He has taken my heart and shattered it. He has turned me into a negative, jealous person with zero self-esteem. He used this illness to completely drain me of my self-worth. Satan sat me down, tied me up, and forced me to watch all of my friends live out the dreams I had in my heart. He constantly whispered, "Look at them all.. watch them succeeding while you're trapped here, forever stuck inside your own head. You're filthy and worthless." Beginning back last spring I became full of envy for my friends, hating my situation and wishing my life could look more like theirs. Satan told me it's my own fault for this happening, that I deserved this illness and all it has taken from me. It's been hard for me to realize that God's plan for me is different than what I had hoped for, and to recognize that this isn't my fault. With that all being said, I'm now trying to replace all of that damage with Christ's promises to me, although it's a long, tough road and I'm longing for a Christian community. I'm striving to become the positive person I used to be, stop complaining, and mend all of the friendships Satan has broken. I'm a work in progress.
I'm sorry.
As always, thank you for the continued prayers, love, kind words, and general support. Y'all are a lovely bunch of folks.
God bless,
Kelly
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